I know that through my work in the Development Office you all are constantly brought into situations where past issues and frustrations interfere with personal, program, and community development. Always the people involved are asking you for meaningful methods for change, diffusion, and direction. I found these twelve exercises very helpful and maybe you could share them in order to help others in achieving their goals. I hope people will try them and let us know what they experience.
Twelve Exercises for Mindful Relationships
Adapted from Everyday Blessings
By Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn
~~ 1 ~~
Try to imagine the world from the other person’s point of view, purposefully letting go of your own. Do this every day for at least a few moments to remind yourself of who this person is and what he or she faces in the world.
~~ 2 ~~
Imagine how you appear, and sound, from the other person’s point of view, i.e.., how it would be to relate to you today, in this moment. How might this modify how you carry yourself in your body and in space, how you speak, what you say? How do you want to relate to this person in this moment?
~~ 3 ~~
Practice seeing the other person as perfect just the way they are. Try to stay mindful of seeing their sovereignty from moment to moment, and work at accepting them as they are when it is hardest for you to do so.
~~ 4 ~~
Be mindful of your expectations of the other person and consider whether these expectations are truly in their best interest. Also, be aware of how you communicate those expectations and how they affect the other person.
~~ 5 ~~
Practice altruism, putting the needs of the other person above your own whenever possible. Then see if there isn't some common ground, where your true needs can also be met. You may be surprised at the overlap, especially if you are patient and strive for balance.
~~ 6 ~~
When you feel lost, or at a loss, remember to stand still. Listen to what it is being said. Meditate on the whole, by bringing your full attention to the situation at hand, to the other person, to yourself, to the community. In doing so, you may go beyond thinking, even good thinking, and perceive intuitively, with the whole of your being, what really needs to be done. If that is not clear in any moment, maybe the best thing is to not do anything until it becomes clearer. Sometimes it is good to remain silent.
~~ 7 ~~
Try embodying silent presence. This will grow out of both formal and informal mindfulness practice over time, if you attend to how you carry yourself and what you project in body, mind, and speech. Listen carefully.
~~ 8 ~~
Learn to live with tension without losing your own balance. In Zen and the Art of Archery, Eugene Herrigel describes how he was taught to stand at the point of highest tension effortlessly without shooting the arrow. At the right moment, the arrow mysteriously shoots itself. Do this by practicing moving into any moment, however difficult, without trying to change anything and without having to have a particular outcome. Simply bring your full awareness to this moment. Practice seeing that whatever comes up is workable, if you are willing to stand in this way in the present, trusting your intuition and best instincts. The other person needs you to be a center of balance and trustworthiness, a reliable landmark by which he or she can take a bearing within his or her own landscape. Arrow and target need each other. Forcing doesn’t help. They will find each other better through wise attention and patience.
~~ 9 ~~
Apologize to the other person when you have betrayed a trust in even a little way. Apologies are healing. An apology demonstrates that you have thought about the situation and have come to see it more clearly, or perhaps more from the other person’s point of view. But we have to be mindful of being “sorry” too often; it loses its meaning if we are always saying it or if we make regret into a habit. Then it can become a way for us not to take responsibility for our actions. Be aware of this. Cooking in remorse on occasion is a good meditation. Don’t shut off the stove until the meal is ready.
~~ 10 ~~
Every person is special and every person has special needs. Each sees in an entirely unique way. Hold an image of the other person in your heart. Drink in their being, wishing them well.
~~ 11 ~~
There are very important times when we need to practice being clear and strong and unequivocal with another person. Let this come as much as possible out of awareness and generosity and discernment, rather than out of fear, self-righteousness, or the desire to control. Mindful relationships do not mean being overindulgent, neglectful, or weak; nor does it mean being rigid, domineering, and controlling.
~~ 12 ~~
The greatest gift you can give another person is your self. This means that part of your work is to keep growing in self-knowledge and in awareness. We have to be grounded in the present moment to share what is deepest and best in ourselves. This is ongoing work, but it can be furthered by making a time for quiet contemplation. We only have right now. Let us use it to its best advantage, for the sake of the other person, and for our own self.
Good luck.
Sincerely,
Siri Adi Kaur Khalsa
Miami Beach, Florida, U.S.A.